


Stirb nicht vor mir (Don't die before I do)

by arlartnonsense



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, F/F, Feliciano too, Gilbert and Antonio are so nice with children, Gilbert and Matt are both punks, Gilbert is scared of being forgotten, I'm Sorry, Ludwig is fucking six, Matthew has an inferior complex, Someone dies, also gilbert is a Rammstein fan, everyone is fucked up, so cliché i know, spain dated Austria, this is so sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-10
Updated: 2014-09-10
Packaged: 2018-02-16 20:06:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2282880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arlartnonsense/pseuds/arlartnonsense
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Matthew has an inferior complex. </p>
<p>Gilbert is afraid. </p>
<p>They got to know each other because of a Bad Religion t-shirt.</p>
<p>They never got to say goodbye.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stirb nicht vor mir (Don't die before I do)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, Fabian here, I stared to write this last night talking with a friend, I had a fluffy ending, but fluff don't go well with me and tbh this went on a different direction than I had planned, I wanted to focus more on the psychological problems but this came out instead. 
> 
> I didn't wrote the fist paragraph, it was a friend, and moslty her talking about feeling inferior because of her sister. 
> 
> I had to make Gilbert a Rammstein fan, I'm sorry. 
> 
> Mein Englisch ist Mist.
> 
> I don't own Hetalia Axis Powers, I just own the plot, also I don't own any Rammstein song used here.

 

You know how is like to grow up feeling inferior? Growing up feeling alone? Feeling unloved and unwanted? Because you know your parents don’t love you, how could they? Who could love someone like you anyways? None could because you are brothers with someone who is charismatic, fun, smart, and athletic; someone who can make his parents proud. Not like…you, because you are trash, you are anything but the one who makes you parents feel disappointment, you are the one who can’t do nothing right, because you are dumb, you are slow, you are clumsy, you are…you are a failure, you felt like you should never been born at all, you are just a waste of space and air after all.

 

 

                                                                                                              Matthew

 

 

Alfred and Matthew were twins, the Kirklands twins, their parents were Arthur Kirkland and Francis Bonnefoy. Long story short, Arthur wanted to keep his last name and Francis wasn’t in the mood for a fight that day, after a being married for 5 years they decided it was time to “have” a child, they found the twins and filled the papers for the adoption without thinking, the two blonds were adorable.

Both parents loved their kids a lot, but Alfred was a troublesome kid, so he demanded more attention, young Matthew didn’t mind that, he thought it was normal.

Alfred turned out to be really good for sports too, at the age of 7 he joined to his baseball team, he was a success, when he grow up he would join to the football team, he was sure. Matthew on the other hand was clumsy, but his parents told him it was fine, not everyone was good for sports, he must have another talent.

He never found that talent.

But you don’t think too much about it when you are a 9 year old kid and your brother is your best friends because everyone in school ignores you, they don’t even bother with bullying you, is like you don’t even exist. At least Matt had good grades.

But his brother had them too.

Matthew used to think everything was okay, but at the age of 13 his vision of the world changed, he saw himself as the shadow of Alfred Kirkland, he felt lonely and unwanted, his fathers only cared about Alfred after all. Maybe it was because he was a disappointment for them since he was little. He stared to think they regretted adopt him, they regretted spending time and money on someone so useless.

Depression is an evil bitch, a slow bitch who starts to eat you from the inside, a bitch who rots your head with nonsense. That bitch became Matt best friend. He stared to change because of it, all started slowly, first it was long naps, everyday, if he could he would sleep, then it was disinterest, he was angry most of the time, he stared to talk back, to insulate himself from everyone, he didn’t talked much, not even with Alfred, his answers were short, and his favorite word became ‘whatever’. Matthew felt alone, so so so alone, but he didn’t want people around him, he couldn’t have people around him, he would just disappoint them after all, he was expert on that.

His parents couldn’t help but think it was a phase, especially if your kid listens to ‘My Chemical Romance’ and it’s 13. Adolescence is a difficult thing for everybody, and maybe that is how Matthew chosen to face it, right? But it wasn’t a phase, Matthew changed, his clothes were mostly dark, and his attitude only got worse, but what called his parents attention were his grades.

“Matthew Kirkland, what. Is. This?” Alfred was holding his grade card in front of his face because his soon was staring at the void “Pay attention to me young man, what is this?”

Matthew looked at the paper in front of him with a boring expression “My grades”

“Yes, and why they are so bad?” Arthur moved the paper in front of Matt’s face for emphasis “What is happening to you Matt?” his voice was soft, full of concern, this wasn’t his Matthew

Matthew just shook his shoulders and didn’t look at Arthur, he couldn’t look at him, he couldn’t face his anger, his disappointment, he felt he would break in from of him. He couldn’t do that, he only allowed himself to cry at night, when none could hear him, or ask him what was wrong, that was the worst question because _he just couldn’t explain what was wrong_ , he couldn’t explain Arthur he was really trying, that he felt bad when he received a D on a test he tried, on a test he believed he would score at least a B, he couldn’t explain how he felt so tired all the time, so tired he wasn’t able to study, he couldn’t explain why some days it was so hard leave the bed, and the worst part was that the only thing he could do good was have good grades, now he was just…the biggest disappointment. He couldn’t explain Arthur that, he couldn’t tell him he felt so jealous of Alfred sometimes but mostly he felt inferior. He couldn’t, he wanted to say Arthur that he was sorry for everything, he was sorry for made him spend so much money on that private school, he didn’t deserve go to one, he was sorry for make them spend so much on doctors when he was little, he was sorry for being _him._

“Cut that attitude! Your dad and I are worried about you” Arthur sited next to Matt on the couch, it was time to talk “You don’t talk to us anymore, you don’t even hang out with your brother” Arthur put a hand on his son shoulder “Matthew, dear, what is wrong?”

“Nothing” He was resting his head on hand, again, he didn’t looked at Arthur, he just looked at the floor, looking at Arthur wasn’t an option.

“Matthew, you can talk to me, I know growing up is hard, is strange I know, but I want you to know I’m here for you…”

He didn’t understand, it wasn’t because he was ‘growing up’ it was because they didn’t cared at all, but at least Arthur was showing interest now. They only cared when he did things wrong anyways.

“Huhm” Matthew shook his shoulders again “Okay”

“You will talk to me or Francis?”

“I guess…”

Of course he didn’t, none understood, none really cared.

Alfred cared, but Matthew won’t let him help, he won’t let anyone help.

“Hey Mattie! Come to watch a movie with me!”

“No…I’m busy”

“With what? You don’t do shit dude” Alfred hasn’t noticed but those 4 words destroyed Matt so when he came to grab him by the arm Matt push him away “I’m busy _Alfred_ ”

“Oh c’mon! We don’t do nothing together anymore! What’s up with that?” Alfred liked to move his hands a lot when he talked, thing that was annoying Matt right now for some reason

“Nothing, I just” Running a hand throw his hair Matt tried to compose himself, he wasn’t going to get angry at his brother “I just don’t feel like seeing a movie Al, night”

“Hey, hey, don’t close the do-“ Matthew push him a away before closing the door “on my face!”

Alfred tried with the movie idea like 5 more times, always getting the same answer, he tried with games, with stupid ideas, he tried with everything his brother liked, but he received always the same answer “No”, but Alfred never gave up, never, not even when Matthew kicked him out of his room when they were 14, not even when Matthew would scream at him to leave him alone, neither when Matthew locked himself on his room because his parents took him out of the private school telling him we wasn’t trying, and if he was going to have that attitude he should go to a public one next year. 

That time Alfred was really scared, he was sited outside of his brother’s room talking about his day, or memories from when they were kids, even telling jokes, but Matthew wasn’t answering, Alfred was scared he may done something stupid, but he couldn’t go downstairs and tell Francis, he felt it was too drastic, maybe Mattie was okay, he was over reacting, yes, that was all.

“Is getting late…I think I’m going to bed because my ass is hurt for being sited here for too long, night Mattie”

Matthew opened the goddamn door. Alfred heard the click of the door and run to get in to find his brother curled on his bed.

“Hey Mattie”

Alfred sited next to him patting his back, and surprisingly Matt didn’t complain or pushed him away, instead he turned around to face his twin, and Alfred felt his heart break when he saw he had been crying.

“Is okay Mattie”

“I did tried”

“I know”

“They don’t listen to me, none listen to me”

“I can talk to them so you can keep going there, I know you liked that school”

“No, I don’t want them to keep spending money neither, they should spend it on y-you, you are the o-one with a future”

“Hey dude! Don’t say that shit! You are the smartest boy I know, you just had a bad year on school, next year will be better”

The only thing that got better that year was music. Matthew’s favorite band became Sex Pistols followed by The Adicts and Anti-Heros (Hi Alfred!). His old MP4 was full of Bad Religion, Alexisonfire, Black Lungs, Cancer Bats, Chaos UK, Dirty District, Misfits, The Offspring, and The Ramones of course.

Matthew changed a lot that year, you could blame public school, the music, his parents, even Alfred! But blaming someone didn’t changed the fact that Matthew was a little punk. It was weird for everyone at first, even for Matt, he felt self-conscious about his looks, specially at school, but he learned to play the ‘I don’t give a fuck’ attitude and wore his torn sex pistols t-shirt, red skinny jeans (with chains hanging from it of course) black boots, and spikes, lots and lots of spikes, everything was ten time betters with spikes on it right?

In school he had one friend, it was a boy named Carlos, from Cuba, he was nice and funny, and the pair looked funny walking down the hallway because the Cuban was the opposite from Matthew, Matthew was tall, Carlos was small, Matt was thin, Carlos was chubby, Matt was white as snow, Carlos was tan, Matthew wore a friendless expression, Carlos was a friendly little fucker.

His grades were shit, since his parents weren’t spending money on his education he didn’t cared at all, he just went there to talk with Carlos.

At home…at home things were like always, even if his dads told him they loved him, he couldn’t help but think they were lying, when Alfred showed interest on some band he was listening to, he thought it was a pure act. He felt they were pitying him. It was estrange, because a part of him told him he was wrong, that he was okay, he had a good family, but the bad thoughts were stronger, and more ‘believable’.

None at house bothered him because his looks or clothes, soon he found out Arthur had been a punk back on England and Francis –obviously- was okay with that, so it could have been hypocrite scold him because of it. Alfred on the other hand liked to tell him he looked like a drug addict, Matthew just smiled raised his middle finger, he couldn’t get mad with Al, even if he was better than him, he loved his brother a lot.

Everything, on the surface, seemed to be fine, but Matt was fucked up, his mind won’t shut up, and he was depressed most of the time, he wasn’t eating much, he felt like he was dying slowly, like something was draining all his energy, motivation, and happiness since he was 14. He had thought about suicide, but he knew he couldn’t do it, he was a coward, a scared coward.

At his 17 birthday he got a Mohawk, but he kept his hair down most of the time. Alfred almost had a heart attack when he saw him the first time, Francis smiled, and Arthur felt nostalgic. Carlos told him he looked nice and like he could kick ass, which was all that mattered at the end.

“Mister Williams” his teacher handed him his history test. C. It wasn’t bad, it wasn’t good but it wasn’t terrible neither.

“Mister Beilschmidt” Gilbert didn’t bother looking at his teacher, or waking up, so the teacher leaved the test on Gilbert’d head. He was used to his class anyways.

Everyone at the beginning of the year thought Matt and Gilbert would get along because both came in with the same attitude, and similar t-shirts (Matt’s was Sex Pistols, Gilbert’s was Rammstein) , but neither of them talked with each other. Gilbert didn’t cared and Matt, well, Matt was shy. Actually Gilbert didn’t saw Matthew during the whole year. Incredible.

“…And that is all for today, have a nice weekend guys! Remember you have an essay due Wednesday, please do it, especially you Gilbert”

The teacher looked at Gilbert worried, he was falling history, and well, everything else and the year was about to end, he wanted the boy to graduate.

“Yeah, yeah” The white haired boy was stretching his arms not noticing the test on his head “I’ll do it I promise”

Matt was polite enough to pick him up for him.

An F. Matt felt better about himself now, at least there was someone who was worse than him ‘What the fuck I’m thinking, I’m stupid, that was being a douchebag’

“What are you doing standing there, get out of the way wannabe” Matthew came back to earth and realized he was standing in front of Gilbert and blocking his path

“Sorry”

“What? Speak louder blondie”

Matt raised an eyebrow, why this guy had to be so rude, and why he was calling him blondie, they weren’t friends, but Matthew felt like he couldn’t raise his voice, or dare to show how mad he was by the attitude, so he did what he knew, be polite. 

“I say I was sorry, here is your test” 

“Uh, danke”

Matthew was making his way to the door when Gilbert shouted

“Is that a Bad Religion t-shirt?”

“Uh, yes”

“Speak louder goddamn” 

 

 

                                                                                                              Gilbert

 

 

 

Gilbert was, like you already know, German, but he liked to say he was “Prussian” because “ _Preußen_ was awesome” and because “ _Friedrich der Große_ was a true genius, not like todays tacticians” basically he was a Prussian obsessed freak, but he was also a punk, yes, same as Matt.

Gilbert was more rude thought, no, the right word isn’t rude, he is rude compared to Matthew. Gilbert was more impulsive, more energetic, he was someone who spoke up, someone who fight for what belongs to him, someone loyal that was Gilbert Beilschmidt. But Gilbert was mostly known for his big ego, and for how “awesome” he was, and well, that was the biggest lie, Gilbert didn’t through of himself as someone awesome, he just loved to repeat that ten times per minute because, maybe, he would believe it.

Gilbert problem was the fear of not being remembered, the fear of disappear, he was scared of death.

Those fears won’t let him sleep some nights, those were his best friends and worst enemies, so Gilbert couldn’t ditch them, those fears were part of him after all.

Somedays he would wake up feeling like he owned the world, somedays he would have a nightmare and the rest of day would be ruined. His nightmare were always the same: he disappearing, calling for help and none listened, so if he made himself someone who people would remember he would never be forgotten, someone would remember him, he would never die. That’s why Gilbert was such a loud child. He was just scared, scared of being forgotten just like his mother. His mother was a beautiful lady, sweet features, pale skin, and a warm smile, Gilbert through her food was the best, especially her kuchen, he grow up eating it, till he was 6. Ludwig was 2 by that time, so he won’t remember her, his father doesn’t talk about her, is like she had never existed.

That scared Gilbert, what if he died and none ever talked about him again? What if he died and none would go to his grave on his birthday? Gilbert couldn’t forget her, he won’t allow himself to forget her smell, her smile, the taste of her food, her warm hugs, he wanted to always remember her because none on his house did, it was like she didn’t matter. Of course, Ludwig had asked about her now and then, and Gilbert would tell him about her, but their father wouldn’t, 11 years had passed since and their father couldn’t get over his lost, he couldn’t forgive the doctors, he couldn’t let her go, so he choose to hide everything that belonged to her, he choose forget. It wasn’t working.

But it was a good family, his father loved him and his younger brother Ludwig. Ludwig was an 11 year old child, a happy child, who loved his older brother, Ludwig always told him how cool his hair was, or his eye color, or his glasses, or anything that made Gilbert felt insecure, Ludwig was his little best friend, Gilbert tried his best to take care of him, but he realized Ludwig could take care of himself, he was strong, and the hero of a boy named Feliciano who was in the same class with him. Gilbert loved Feliciano –damn, Gilbert loved child’s to being with- so when Ludwig had sleepovers with him they always allowed Gilbert to play with them.

School was his course, since he stared it he felt in hell, in kindergarten other kids won’t play with him because his appearance, in middle school he got teased about it, and he couldn’t play soccer at school because albinism. Like everyone with albinism Gilbert has limited visual acuity, that makes hard for him play sports that require locating an accurately position of a ball moving fast, such as soccer, tennis, volleyball, basketball, badminton, etc. But at least he could play at home with Ludwig and his father. His father, a kind men had thought about his son condition since he was born, so he researched ways to help Gilbert, he found out his son could play sports that required dimensional viewing with a softer ball, so he wouldn’t be scared or receive a ball on his face if he doesn’t accurately determines the position of the ball, also he had bright soccer balls with bells so Gilbert could find them easier to locate, sadly that couldn’t be done on a public school.

In high school Gilbert became friends with a Spaniard boy named Antonio, Antonio was incredible fun and cheerful, thing that made Gilbert felt better about life. By the year they met, Antonio was dating an Austrian boy, Gilbert told him to leave him because “Roderich is a pain in the ass” Antonio wasn’t sure about it, but three months later Roderich broke up with, the reason was “he wasn’t ready for such a long relationship” after that, Gilbert saw his friend being sad and miserable, but I didn’t last long. One day Gilbert and Antonio ended playing with Ludwig and Feliciano (who were supposed to do a project, but Feliciano got interested on Antonio because he was someone new, and someone new means new stories) Luckily Antonio was good with kids too, anyways, it was late and Feliciano was waiting for his brother to pick him up, when Antonio decided they had time for a little race around the neighborhood. Gilbert had Ludwig up on his shoulders, holding him by his legs, and the blond was holding of Gilbert’s hair, and Antonio had Feliciano in the same position.

“Ready to lose Toño?”

Ludwig smiled at Feliciano who looked scared to be so high (well, it was high if you are a little kid, and you are in the shoulders of a 1,68 boy)

“No way I would lose, right Feli?”

“R-right!”

“Kesesese! _Eins, zwei, drei_!“

Feliciano let go a scream when Antonio stared to run, and he heard Ludwig doing the same. Gilbert was winning for a few centimeters, but Antonio won’t allow that to happen, he would win!

“No so fast Antonio!” Feliciano was scared again, and feeling his head go up and down wasn’t helping “Let me down!”

“When we w-“

Antonio almost fell because someone grabbed his arm “Hey that is not fair Gi-“

“Who the fuck are you and why you are with my brother you piece of shit!?”

That was the moment when Antonio forgot about Roderich. Gilbert later introduce them (After Romano ended his complains about letting a stranger play with Feliciano) and saw how they ended becoming friends, and later boyfriends. Usually both would end at his house to play with Ludwig and Feliciano, well, Romano didn’t play, he just went to complain about Gilbert being a bad influence because he dressed like a delinquent, Gilbert just laughed and told him he felt comfortable on those clothes.  

At school three of them would hang out sometimes, but not much, Antonio liked to be with Gilbert because he knew he didn’t have many friends, Romano understood that, he had friends to be with anyways, you couldn’t spend the whole day with your partner, friends needed attention too.

Even though he had friends, that fear of being forgotten was still there.

 

 

                                                                                                      The pair 

 

 

Two pairs of black boots made his way down the hallway, Gilbert owned ones, Matt the other pair. Matt was taller, slightly taller than the Prussian.

“How was your test?”

“I got a C”

“I would kill for a C”

Neither of them where looking at each other, it was like they had silent agreed to keep looking at the front to look more ‘rude’, and in fact, they looked like they were going to kick someone butt.

Gilbert was wearing a Rammstein t-shirt, a leather jacket with spikes, a pair of black skinny jeans and the already mentioned boots. His hair was a mess like always. Matt, well, he was wearing the Bad Religion t-shirt, a pair of red skinny jeans and a few chains here and there.

“So, what’s your name blondie?”

Gilbert wanted to make conversation, but the shy attitude of the other wasn’t helping

“Matthew, yours is Gilbert right?”

“Yes, the one and only! Kesesese!”

Matthew laughed at the sound of what seemed to be his laugh

“I assume you are from Germa-“

“ _Preußen_! I’m from Prussia, not Germany”

“But Prussia was diso-“

“Prussia still alive on Germans hearts, blondie!”

Matthew looked at him smiling, this boy was particularly fun and easy to talk with.

“Okay, you are from Prussia, got it”

“Gut”

The fell silence after that, Matthew was wondering where they were going, and why was Gilbert talking to him.

“Eh, w-where are going?”

“Huh? I don’t know, I was following you”

“But I was following you”

Matthew stared to laugh, this was all so stupid.

“Wanna go to my house?”

The blond though about it for a minute, it was a Friday, and probably none would miss him on his house

“Yeah, why not” Matt shrugged “Where do you live?”

“Like 5 blocks away from here”

“Cool”

While they walked they talked about music, clothes, food, music, concerts, how bad was music this days, social networks, girls, boys, cats, music again, albinism, glasses, the problems of wearing glasses, football, hockey, family, adoption, the bullies from middle school, brothers, musical instruments, French, German, maple syrup, they talked about everything.

They learned the basic about both.

“Hallo! _Ich bin zu Hause_! I brought a friend“

Matthew hear the loud footsteps coming down stairs

“Gilbert!” A little blond kid jumped on Gilbert’s arms and Matt could help but feel tenderness, and happiness, even if that wasn’t his brother, or house, or anything, he just couldn’t help it, he wanted to hug Gilbert because his hugs seemed to be so warm “And who is him?” The boy asked looking up at Matthew.

“I’m Matthew Kirkland, nice to meet you eh”

“I’m Ludwig Beilschmidt, nice to meet you” the boy was shy too, so he went upstairs after his introduction.

“I’m sorry, he is shy around strangers sometimes”

“Don’t worry, he was 11 right?”

“Right, so let’s want anything to eat or drink?”

Gilbert threw his backpack to the couch and Matt followed him to the kitchen

“Something to drink would be nice”

The afternoon felt like 5 minutes and before Matthew could tell it was 9 p.m and his phone was ringing, it was Alfred.

“Hello Al, I’m at a friend house” Matt smiled at Gilbert, he wonder if it was okay to call him friend already “I’ll be back soon, don’t worry, yeah, yeah, bye”

Matt made an angry expression

“Overprotective twin?”

“Yeah”

 “I can’t believe you have a twin yet, why I had never see him around school?”

“We don’t attend at the same school, Alfred goes to a private one, I used to go with him but my parents deiced it was a waste of money and they transfer me to a public one”

“Why?”

“At 14 I stop caring…” Matt looked at the bedspreads, they were sited on Gilbert’s bed “My grades weren’t good, they did what they had to”

“That sucks, if it makes you feel better, I never did good in school, I’m too awesome for that”

“Thanks, I guess?” Matthew smiled at him “Why your room is so…so bright”

“I suffer from albinism remember?”

“So?”

“Well, that means I have lower resolving power on my vision and reduced visibility in low-light situations, so my father made the best he could to put a good lighting, trying to avoid shadows, a dark area is an area of little or no vision y’know?”

“I didn’t knew that, having albinism must suck”

“It does, but it least my dad and Ludwig are there to help me and make life a little more easily”

“Your dad sounds cool, mine are…I don’t know, fine I guess?”

“Why? You told me they were cool with you dressing the way you do and all that shit”

“Well…is like…” Matthew wasn’t sure if he should tell Gilbert about his problems or no, but he had told him about albinism, well, a physical problem wasn’t the same as a mental one “Is like…they care more for Alfred, so I think that’s why they don’t mind me doing shit with my hair, or clothes”

“Mind if I ask you why?”

Both boys were serious, like this was the time to talk about their life’s problems.

“I don’t know, I been feeling of the same way since…since I was 13 I think? They were always proud of Alfred, and fuck, he is good at everything you know? Sports, school, he is sociable, he has the perfect girlfriend, Alfred is the perfect son, and I” He wasn’t sure if he should continue, it was weird, he knew Gilbert since a few hours and he was already telling his life story “I…I’m a failure”

Gilbert feel his heart ache, how could someone who looked so nice, even dressed like that, with a haircut like that, say something like that?

“Kesesese! Birdie, you are an idiot! You can’t be a failure, you are awesome! Well, not more than me but you still pretty awesome! And I’m sure your brother thinks the same about you, if he is a overprotective fuck he must love you, listen to the words I say because someone awesome as me can’t be wrong about someone like you!” Gilbert watched how Matthew’s eyes stared to get glassy “Cry if you have to, that still punk” Matt couldn’t help but laugh and cry at his joke.

After a few minutes of crying Matt calmed himself “T-thank you”

“At least you don’t wear eyeliner because your face right now would look worst, kesese!”

After that the decided it was enough drama and it was time to play Mario kart. Gilbert, as always was losing, when Matt phone ringed again.

“Hello” Matt put it on speaker, he didn’t want to lose this race “Matthew Kirkland where the bloody hell are you!?”

“Hey birdie that is cheating!”

“Shut up, you don’t know how to play” Matthew came back to reality after hearing those words “I-I’m at Gilbert’s house”

“Who is Gilbert?”

“A friend, I’m okay, don’t worry”

“Is 1am Matthew, get back home. Now”

Both boys looked at each other, Matt looked scared and Gilbert like he was about to explode of laughter

“Okay, I’ll be back soon”

With that he hung up the phone

“Fuck! I can’t even go out without giving them problems”

Matthew stared to get his things together and Gilbert keep playing –he wanted to win a race al least- “I can ask my dad to give you a ride home, if I could drive I would do it myself but” he pointed to his eyes “I can’t”

“Don’t worry, I’ll walk”

“Where do you live?”

“Like, 25 blocks away from here? I’ll be fine, don’t worry”

Matt gave him a little punch on the arm, put his backpack on his shoulder and asked Gil to show him the way outside

“Are you sure you gonna be okay?”

“Yeah, don’t worry, and if something happens, well, I can defend myself”

“True, see you on Monday”

“Uh, Gil? R-remember to add me on f-facebook”

“I’ll do it right now, ‘night birdie!”

“Good night”

 

 

Matt enjoyed his walk in the middle of the night, he had time to imagine things, and think about the day. Gilbert was nice after all, he was rude sometimes? Yes, but Matt was okay with that, he realized Gilbert didn’t mean it, at least for now. He could be Gilbert’s friend, maybe, if Gil was okay with being friends with a fucking loser, or maybe Gilbert was too good for him? Maybe he didn’t deserve a friend like that?

At the time he got home (1:55am) his head was full of anxiety, thinking those things and knowing he was home late made him feel worst.

“Matthew Kirkland” Arthur was the first one to speak “How is that you don’t even call to tell us you are safe?”

“I told Alfred”

“That doesn’t matter! You should call me or Francis!”

Matthew wanted to sleep, he could deal with that later

“Hey, young man, you aren’t going to sleep yet”

Arthur hold him by his arm, Matthew looked at him with dead eyes “Go to sit to the couch, we are going to speak”

The next thirty minutes were Francis and Arthur giving him a lecture about obedience and responsibility –nothing new-

“Can I go to sleep now?”

“Yes, but you are grounded for a week”

Fuck.

 

 

The weekend felt like weeks, Matthew had spent it inside of his room only going out to eat, Alfred would came in to bother him a while and asking questions about his new friend, but he got tired soon, also he had to spend time with his girlfriend.

Well, at least Matthew had internet and talked a little with Gilbert though Facebook. Gilbert’s profile photo was him with Antonio, Matt knew who he was, he had saw him on the hallways with an acoustic guitar playing tango? He wasn’t sure.

Gilbert send him stupid vines to cheer him up. Matthew couldn’t be more grateful.

 

 

 

 

A month passed and both idiots were almost best friends now, and somehow the whole gang was together: Antonio, Carlos and Romano. It wasn’t hard, Carlos and Antonio enjoyed talking in Spanish for a change and Romano –even if he said it was a lie- liked to listen Antonio speak, he found it cute, and Spanish was similar to Italian so sometimes he could try to practice.

Matthew was helping Gilbert with school, thing that help him too because his grades were staring to get better, Matthew did anything he could to help Gilbert to end school this year. It was hard but not impossible. Antonio and Carlos helped too, since both of them didn’t have such a bad reputation they talked to teachers about the case and found ways to give Gilbert another chance to finish a project, or write an essay, or do an essay to improve his grades.

Almost everything was fine, almost.

Gilbert was on Matt’s house, both boys were lying around in Matt’s room since it was too hot to move, Gilbert had his feet on the wall and Matt was lying on the floor.

“I don’t know how you can wear pants with this weather”

“I’ll burn my legs if I don’t wear them asshole”

“You can use sunscreen”

“Nah, that shit makes me all sticky, and my mom used to bath me in that when I was little”

“How was your mother?”

The question came out of nowhere, and Gilbert fell silence for a minute, due to the silence Matthew when to sit at the end of the bed

“You okay? I’m sorry, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have asked I’m so d-“

“Is okay” Gilbert sited cross legged and looked at Matt, and then at his hands, Matthew though about the first day they had met, Gilbert was in the same satiation he had been a few months ago “She was blond, and skinny, a delicate woman, fine in every way, he was warm and kind, and her smile, her smile made me feel better after school, she always told me I was cute, that being an albino wasn’t bad, it was just like being of any other color” Gilbert smiled at the memory “Her hugs were warm, her kuchen was the best, I haven’t tasted anything like that” Gilbert took of his glasses and cleaned his eyes, they were getting to wet “She was the best mom, she…she was awesome”

Matthew couldn’t say anything to that, he just got close to Gilbert, ignored the weather and gave him a hug that Gilbert returned. Matthew petted Gilbert hair for a while “I’m glad to hear she was such a great mother, she probably watches over you and your brother everyday”

“You think birdie? Maybe she is busy baking for god or whatever there is up there”

“I’m sure a mom has the time to do both” Matthew laughed “You know? You look like fucking awesome even you cry”

“Oh shut the fuck up, the awesome me looks awesome doing anything birdie!”

Matthew handed Gilbert his glasses “Gilbert, there is something I need to tell you”

“What is it?”

“Don’t laugh”

“I won’t”

“And don’t interrupt me”

Gilbert nodded

“Okay” Matt took a deep breath “We had been friends for months now, and since we first met I have been feeling like I-“ Fuck, his nerves were getting the worst of him, he didn’t want to stutter but he needed to ask “Like I-I’m not g-good enough to be yo-your fr-friend”  

“ _Verdammt_ birdie! Get that stupid idea out of your head!” After saying that he realized how stupid that was, if someone could just get the idea out of their heads none would suffer depression or a stupid fear from death and forgotten “I mean, you need to understand that your parents, your brother and me, we, we love you birdie! You are good enough, you are good enough for the people who matter in your life”

Gilbert hold him by his shoulders and looked him right into his eyes “You are good enough for me”

Matthew didn’t move, Gilbert didn’t move.

Matthew smiled.

“You are good enough for me too you know? Too good sometimes, you know Gilbert even if we grow apart after school ends, I think I won’t be able to forget you”

Gilbert eyes stared to get wet again

“Gil, are you okay?”

“ _Ich…Ich bin perfekt“_

“Why are you crying?“

Matthew was running circles through his back

“Be-because I’m scared of-“ Gilbert tried to calm himself before keep with his explanation “Ah, you are going to laugh”

“I am not”

Gilbert looked at those blue eyes and felt confident, of course Matthew wouldn’t laugh, he was his friend

“I’m scared of being forgotten after I die”

“That is…that is completely normal I guess?”

“No, I mean, like when I die, it would be like I had never been born, my brother won’t talk about me anymore, the people I used to talk with would forget me, yeah, maybe they will sad a few days, who wouldn’t miss the awesomeness in their lives, but after those days they will never remember my birthday, they will forget I have a grave, or the I was on his lives, and that, I don’t like that idea, I don’t want to be forgotten, maybe I sound like a selfish son of fuck, but _Ich habe Angst zu sterben_ birdie”

This was the first time Matt had seen Gilbert so hopeless, it made him feel bad for all the times he had bother him with his problems.

“You are not selfish Gilbert, is okay to be scared, and none will forget you, how could? Like really? None, you are a guy who is unforgettable eh”

Gilbert just hugged him, he didn’t want words, he wanted comfort right now.

Both ended falling asleep, Gilbert resting his head on Matt’s chest and Matthew hugging him with an arm, when they woke up they were a mess of saliva and sweat. Summer wasn’t a good time for cuddles.

Graduation was fun, mostly because it was the end of a horrible stage in Gilbert and Matthew’s lives. Alfred –who was on the same grade as Matthew of course- graduated the next day, so Matthew was expecting the fuzz about Alfred the day of his graduation, but no, all the eyes were on him.

Francis was trying to fix his son’s hair, which was a mess because it was already long on the sides

“Matthew I think we should cut it”

“But still short!”

“Is not! Reaches your chin already”

“Okay, cut it”

Matthew ended with what he called short hair, but it wasn’t short at all, the cut made him look younger and sweeter. 

It was a nice ceremony, the speech was boring, Matt felt he could have done a better job, but well, none would had picked him for that job anyways.

Arthur and Francis were proud of seeing him receiving his diploma, Alfred shouted his brother name only to be scolded for his parents.

Gilbert was happy too, he saw his dad and little brother clapping when they called his name, and when they gave him the diploma he thought of Matt’s words ‘she probably watches over you’ and he decided she did, she totally did.

Antonio and Carlos were happy too, they had plans, university, careers, stuff like that.

“We are going to still hanging out together right guys?”

“Of course asshole! The awesome me will keep us together! Kesesese”

Gilbert hugged Antonio, picked Carlos up since he was 10 centimeters sorter than him, and gave Matt a thigh hug.

“Oi, _bastardo de los tomates!”_

Antonio smile grew when he saw Romano “You came!”

“Of fucking course, I told you I was coming! Not let me go!” Antonio kissed his cheek “I’m happy knowing you are here” they walked to the group holding hands and Gilbert made an “ew” expression.

At the end the 5 boys agreed on going out on Saturday for pizza because the four families present wanted to be with their boys (four because Romano came alone, he went to the same school as Alfred)

“So, what are you guys gonna do now” Asked Carlos who was grabbing another slice of pizza

“I want to go to the university to study medicine” Answered Antonio who was cuddling Romano, it was a miracle, because Romano wasn’t complaining at all.

“I want to study theater” Romano spoke with a lower voice, like he felt embarrassed for his decision, Antonio kissed his head to make him feel better.

“That sounds great Romano, I think that career will work for you” Matthew gave him his thumbs up “What about you Carlos?”

Matthew was avoiding the question and it seemed like Gilbert was doing the same because he was playing with his pizza

“Oh, I want to be a veterinarian and maybe go back to Cuba” The Latin boy felt how the atmosphere changed after that “Don’t worry guys! We are going to keep talking, we have internet, and I’m going to come back to the USA anyways, my mom loves this place…I don’t understand why though”

“Promise me you will” Matthew put his pinkie in front of his face “I promise, pinkie promise _amigo_ ”

“Oh my god guys stop being so fucking cheesy!” Matthew just laughed, at least Romano was complaining, that made the evening feel more normal

“You two haven’t answer the question”

“Shut up Romano! Well, since you want to know what I want to do, I’ll share with you my awesome plan kesese!” Gilbert got everyone attention “I plan not to do shit”

“Why I’m not surprised” Antonio laughed, he had always told Gilbert not to worry, that time will bring something for him “Y tú Matt?”

“Eh? Well…I don’t know neither…”

“Well, don’t call us when both of you are fucking poor then!”

“Romano!” Carlos hit him on the arm “I’m sure you two will figure it out somehow, we are young anyways”

“Truth”

 

 

 

 

Gilbert and Matt took a fallow year to get their shit together. They didn't do shit.

“So Alfred is studying to be a lawyer?”

“Yup”

“Motherfucker” Gilbert smiled, he liked Alfred, he was fun to be around, just like his brother.

“He is good winning arguments, I think he will be good”

 They were climbing hills today, they were on the top finally, and the view was amazing, Gilbert had to use a lot of sunscreen, a hat, sunglasses, long pants, etc to make his way to the top but it was fun, Matthew made things fun.

“Hey birdie”

“Huh”

“ _Willst du mein Freund sein?_ “

Matthew had a confused expression on his face

“What?”

“What did you say?”

“Do you want to be my boyfriend? In german sounded better”

“No, in French sounds better! _Voulez-vous être mon petit ami_?”

“Sounds like shit! German sounds better!”

“No way”

Matthew laughed at their stupid fight, they always had fought like that, it was fun, he liked it, he liked Gilbert, he had helped him so much, he had helped him to heal those emotional wounds, and he had done the same with Gil. Both had a long way to go through, Matt still had that inferiority complex and Gilbert his fear for death.

“Shut up Gilbert, you look stupid with those glasses, I ain’t going to k-kiss you if you keep th-them on”

“So that is a yes?”

“Yes, I w-want to be your bo-boyfriend” The blond checks were red and he was looking down at his hands

“I guess I can take them off for a minute”

Gilbert take them off, it took him a few seconds to adjust his eyes to the light and leaded closer to Matt, who was smiling. It was a simple kiss, no tongue, just both lips touching. Matt stared to giggle.

“I’m glad you asked that”

“I’m glad I asked too”

Gilbert kissed him again, this time a French kiss. Matt let Gilbert to guide him since it was his first ‘real’ kiss.

After a while of cuddles Gilbert stared to hum a song, Matthew caught a little bit of it, it was a Rammstein song. He knew since he spent all the last year with Gilbert, it was impossible not listen to Rammstein now and then.

“…his passion is a kiss, and I can’t not resist”

Gilbert looked at him surprised, but he keep going

“Ich warte hier…”

Gilbert hold Matthew’s hand and kissed it while Matt sang

“Don’t die before I do…”

Matt got close to Gilbert and rested his head on his shoulder, it was nice when they sang together but this song in particular was too sad, at least for Matthew’s likes. He would had prefer sing “ _Mann gegen Mann_ ”

“Ich warte hier, stirb nicht vor mir...“

“I don't know who you are, I know that you exist…”

Gilbert was having fun though, he wasn’t think on the lyrics, he was just singing with his birdie and that made him happier than anyone

“Stirb nicht…”

Gilbert was doing like he was playing the guitar, thing that helped to cheer Matt up

“Sometimes love seems so far…”

Now he was doing the drums

“Ich warte hier…”

“Your love I can't dismiss…”

“Ich warte hier”

Gilbert placed a kiss on Matt’s head. At the end of the day Matthew ended laughing about Gilbert impossibility of saying “squirrel” and Gilbert tried to make Matt say “ _Eichhörnchen_ ”

 

 

                                                                                                 Ich liebe dich

 

 

They did all the things a couple does, they went out for dinner, they went to see movies, they had sex (Their first time was on Gilbert’s house when Ludwig was in the doctor with his dad), they had double dates (Featuring Antonio and Romano), they went to concerts, Gilbert taught Matt how to play football, Matt thought it was funny at first, since Gilbert soccer balls had a little bell on and where colorful (Gilbert then explain him why), Matt taught Gilbert how to play hockey, Gilbert had a hard time with it tough, the little ball was hard to find, but as long they were together it was fun. They were happy, really happy, that was all that matters at the end right? Both punk assholes had fun walking down the streets looking angry at people who looked at them like they were exotic animals.

“ _Du bist die Liebe meines Lebens_ “

“What does that means?”

“You would never know!”

“Oh c’mon! Write it down at least!”

“Okay, okay! Jeez” Gilbert handed him a piece of paper “Here you go, I wrote something else too”

“ _Danke_!”

“Good to know you are learning”

 

 

 

 

It was autumn, Gilbert was wearing a leather jacket, black pants and his old boots, is Iphone was playing some Fall Out Boy song. He walking down the street on his way to a job interview (he had to do something, he couldn’t be around the house doing nothing), thinking about buying something for Ludwig and Matt, maybe some candies? Both liked sweet things, but Ludwig had recently learned how to bake (his kuchen tasted delicious, not like his mother kuchen, this was Ludwig kuchen, it was special on his own) so maybe something else for Ludwig? A toy? But he was 12 already, what kind of toy then? Maybe a new dog? No, they already had dogs, ugh why was this so complicated. Fuck it, he would buy him candies, and something for his father too!

Accidents happen, sometimes they are for good, other times for bad, sometimes for worst.

_Ohne dich_

Gilbert was involved in a car crush. He died instantly. There weren’t candies, or goodbyes, or an “Ich liebe dich” there was nothing, he just died. His worst fear had become truth, he was gone, at least it wasn’t painful, it was quick, his head touched the pavement and he went unconscious, he didn’t felt more than that.

The one that was left to feel was Matt.

He couldn’t believe it, none on his house could. Matthew broke, his throat ended sore because of him screaming, Alfred tried to console him but it was pointless, Matthew was broke, there was no way they could ‘fix’ him, the only way was impossible. You couldn’t bring back the death.

_Weh mir, oh weh_

The funeral was the worst part, seeing Ludwig crying was heartbreaking, the poor boy was destroyed, his father was stoic, he limited himself to hold Ludwig’s hand and look at the coffin, there was Gilbert, his son, his loved son, his _kleine_ Gil, his little boy who loved kuchen and a german band called Rammstein, a friend, a student, a lover, a kid with a future, maybe not the brighter future but he had one, and he had the right to live it, and that fucking drunk hadn’t any right to take it from him, how could thay take him away from him!? He was just a 18 year old boy, none should die at 18! It wasn’t natural, the father should die first, not his kids. His father was broke just like Matt only that he couldn’t scream, or cry, he couldn’t believe his son was gone, this couldn’t be happening again.

_Und die Vögel singen nicht mehr_

Antonio, Romano and Alfred were with Matthew, the blonde was a mess, his eyes were red and swollen, he had been crying since 4 days ago, he knew he should stop but he just couldn’t. None of the three dared to say anything because they had tried all, Matthew needed to cry.

When the pastor spoke a few words Matthew cried even more, Francis hugged him, this was hard for everyone.

“Anyone would like to say a few words?”

Ludwig did.

“My brother…he” Ludwig tried to compose himself, but a 12 year old can’t do much “He was my hero and best friend” Matthew’s heart hurt even more when he saw the little boy trying to speak without crying “He would always give me a big hug after he came home, I’m going to miss that a lot, we would walk the dogs together of play football, he was really good at sports, even his disabilities- no, whit is special gif, albinism, I would always win at Mario Kart though” Matthew smiled at the memory, Gilbert fucking sucked at Mario Kart “He-He would help me with my homework because he was really smart, he was just lazy, that’s why he had bad grades” Ludwig stopped to dry his tears “He liked to play with me and my friend Feliciano” Matthew had saw them play, Gilbert it was going to be a good dad “He liked to shout a lot, he liked to sing, he liked pancakes with a lot of maple syrup” Matthew smiled and cried at that, he had made Gil his first pancakes, luckily Francis had bought a good  kind of maple syrup so Gilbert could eat the best of the best “He liked being on the internet and taking photos, he was awesome, he is my awesome brother”

  _Ohne dich kann ich nicht sein_

Antonio spoke

“Gilbert, well, Gilbert was _un hijo de perra!“_ Antonio laughed, a sad laugh “When I first met him I though he was insane! The first thing we did together was skip classes, a math class to be more exactly” Antonio looked up trying to hold his tears and thinking what else he could say, he wasn’t a man of words “Gilbert, Gilbert changed my life, thanks to him I met a mi amado Romano” sniff “Thanks to him I, I learned to enjoy life a little bit more, I remember when I was on a low point of my life because love he told me, to stop feeling sorry for myself, because he was sure someone out there was waiting for me, and he was right” Romano couldn’t take seeing Antonio like that anymore, he went by his side and whispered something into his ear, probably something about he ending the speech because he stared to speak

_Mit dir bin ich auch allein_

“Gilbert was a motherfucker!” Romano couldn’t care less about language “But the best motherfucker, and we loved him, all of us, Carlos, Antonio, Matthew. He always talked about how awesome he was, and fuck, I liked to tell him he was a loser, but no, Gilbert Beilschmidt was the shit! He was awesome just like he used to say, and the best part? He believed it” Romano felt Antonio’s tears and his shoulder “I’m pretty sure he is being awesome up there, probably kicking someone ass, or singing in german” Romano stared to cry “Fuck you Gilbert, fuck you for leave us alone”

_Ohne dich zähl ich die Stunden ohne dich_

Matthew stood up, he was calm finally, but he looked dead, there was no life in his eyes. Matthew struggled to speak at first, his voice came out brittle and croaky.

“I don’t know how to being this honestly” he took a deep breath “I met Gilbert because of a history test and a Bad Religion t-shirt, he got and F and I a C” Matthew was playing with his fingers trying hard not to cry again “He invited me to his home, I say yes, since then we were inseparable. We had our problems, I am a depressed piece of shit and he-” this was going to be harder than he had thought “He was afraid to die” He looked at the coffin “and he was also afraid of being forgotten, but I told him I could never do that, that none could do that, he was scared that people maybe would stop talking about him and they would act like he never existed” Matt cleaned his nose with his sweated sleeve “I told him none would do that, and it’s the truth, but it hurts me know it’s the truth! I shouldn’t know this, this should be something we should know in 70 years more, not now! I- We shouldn’t be here today” Alfred went to give Matt some support “We should be on mister Beilschmidt house eating sweets and watching a dumb movie, he should be playing with Ludwig and Feliciano, he should be calling Antonio a _verlierer,_ he should be-“ Matthew went silent for a few minutes before continue “He should be here talking to me about Prussia, about the _old fritz_  , he should be telling me he should be taller, he should be making some bad joke, he should be planning out next adventure, we should be planning our trip to Germany...he should be calling me his birdie” Deep breath, he needed to keep going "But I hope, I hope all your fears are gone now, because I know we are going to keep talking about you, I know I'm going to see you on your birthday, valentines day, christmas, I know I'm going to be siting right next to you, I know I'm going to be there every afternoon talking to about my day" his chest ached so much, every breathing hurt more than the other "I love you Gilbert"

 

_Mit dir stehen die Sekunden lohnen nicht_

 

If you had been in a funeral you know the saddest moment when they are going to bury the coffin and people threw things inside. Ludwig and his father threw a soccer ball in, Antonio threw a letter, Romano a picture of the five guys together, Matthew wanted to throw himself in, but he threw his Bad Religion t-shirt instead.

 

A few months later Matthew went to climb the same hill, he had only brought his MP4 with him since it had been an impulse. He was sitting on the same spot and well the difference was obvious, there wasn’t none to joke with, there was none to kiss, none to cuddle, none to make fun of because of his dumb sunglasses, there was none to sing.

Matthew played _Stirb nicht vor mir._

 

_Ich warte hier_

_Don't die before I do_

_Ich warte hier_

_Stirb nicht vor mir_

 

And Matthew could swear he had heard Gilbert voice singing with him.

 

“Maybe you are watching over me eh? Don’t worry _Ich warte hier_ Gilbert“ Matthew reached into his pocket and looked at the paper Gilbert had gave him a long time ago “I know what it means now, you are the love of my life too and you make me happy as well”

Matthew won’t left the place till sunrise, he spent his night singing and talking to the starts.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Gilbert was buried wearing his favorite boots, jeans, and favorite Misfit t-shirt. The asshole who killed him is in jail, dont worry, his father is Germania and he didn't spoke because he was too hurt to do so. 
> 
> "Stirb nicht vor mir" is a Rammstein song, so it's "Ohne Dich" 
> 
> I'm sorry for any grammar mistake. 
> 
> Some translations:  
> -Ich bin zu Hause: I'm at home  
> -Ich bin perfekt: I'm perfect  
> -Ich habe Angst zu sterben: I'm afraid to die  
> -Bastardo de los tomates: Tomato bastard  
> -¿Y tú?: and you?  
> -Ohne dich: without you  
> -Weh mir, oh weh: In this case will be "pain, oh pain"  
> -Und die Vögel singen nicht mehr: And the birds sing no more  
> -Ohne dich kann ich nicht sein: Without you I cannot be  
> -Mit dir bin ich auch allein: With you I am alone too  
> -Ohne dich zähl ich die Stunden ohne dich: Without you I count the hours without you  
> -Mit dir stehen die Sekunden, lohnen nicht: With you the seconds stand still, they aren't worth it  
> -Verlierer: loser


End file.
